On Friends

2023.09.03

Lindy Expectancy: 20 Weeks

Friends are great. They can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. More importantly, they can be the difference between a rich life and a poor one.

Concentric Circles

I hear a lot of people talk about “Tier 1,” “Tier 2,” and “Tier 3” friends–Tier 1 being the closest, Tier 3 being the furthest. I’m not sure how much I like that notion… for some reason, I’m not a huge fan of the ideas of putting people, especially people who I am quite fond of, into “Tiers.”

Still, there is certainly something true about some friends being closer than others. So, I threw together a fun little graphic to illustrate loosely this sentiment:

Now, I don’t know how reflective the number of friends in that diagram is to the number of friends in my own life. In reality, there may be three or four people in my innermost circle right now, maybe 20 in the second circle, and then some multiple of that in the third circle. Hell, there’s actually probably a fourth circle, too.

I don’t have exact numbers for each circle because I wouldn’t feel great coming up with heuristics for what defines whether or not someone is in each circle, nor would I feel great taking the time to lay all of this out person by person… at some point, you’re counting angels dancing on the head of a pin.

The whole thing is, in reality, arbitrary and in flux, but I’m starting to appreciate making graphics as a more fun alternative to writing.

The Tribe

In Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek, he discusses the tribalism of early humans: we traveled in tight knit packs. That’s where we get our serotonin and oxytocin, feel good brain chemicals that Sinek argues largely come from social interactions.

In our weird modern digital world, we each get to make our own packs. Maybe you have a job or classmates, but there is still so much more room for self selection than there has ever been.

Even when you do commit to a time consuming organization or get a job, it is not entirely exclusive; you can still have friends outside of that group, whether they be down the street or across the world.

Of course, when someone is across the world, it may be a bit more difficult to maintain the same level of connection as if they were physically closer, but I would argue that this is actually one of the most compelling uses of modern technology–staying in touch with those you care about, even when they’re far away.

But What Are Friends Really For?

All of this talk of concentric circles and science, and I haven’t told you what friends are really for. Rather than trying to provide some lofty and abstract definition, I’ll give some examples:

• Telling you that you are not crazy when you’re making a difficult, but good decision

• Telling you that you are crazy when you’re making a difficult, but bad decision

• Wrestling in places you shouldn’t wrestle

• Going on trips that involve up to one night of unplanned sleeping in a car

• Seeing how many bottles of wine it is possible for two people to finish

• Going on long, aimless walks

• Having long, aimless phone calls

• Baking things you would only eat if you baked them with a friend

• Eating things you would only eat if you ate them with a friend

• Seeing how many sake bombs it is possible for two people to finish

• Telling you when your poetry is bad

• Running with each other (the most sure way to reduce your mile time is to run with a friend who is slightly faster than you)

• Going in a sauna with each other (the most sure way to increase your sauna time is to go in one with a friend who can stay slightly longer than you)

• Taking turns in ice baths (the most sure way to… you get the point…)

• Trying new restaurants

• Going to the same restaurant too many times

• Getting actually good book recommendations

• Validating emotions

The list could go on and on. I think, though, if I had to summarize it, I’d simply say something like this: Friends show you that you’re not alone in the world.

Dynamic Friendships

Alas, as with everything in life, friendships change over time.

Here’s me milking my graph, this time with an added layer of complexity: squiggly lines.

These are just a couple of arbitrary paths someone might take in your life. Maybe it’s the red one, where someone slinks in, gets a little closer, backs up, and then becomes one of your closest friends. Maybe it’s the blue path, where someone comes in, and, for whatever circumstance, graces your innermost circle only briefly before drifting away. Or, maybe it’s the green path, where a friend who was very, very close to you starts to drift and linger in the outer channels for a while before leaving altogether.

As with everything in life, nothing is static. Things change, people change. To put it in contemporary terms: your bestie today may not be your bestie tomorrow.

Everything is Temporary

Some friendships last forever, and some don’t. That’s okay.

Even memories fade. That doesn't mean the experiences didn’t happen.

Time is your most valuable resource. Who you choose to spend it with matters a lot.

Friends will keep dancing in and out of those three, arbitrary circles. Dance with them while they’re there. And then, when they’re gone, cry a little, but don’t be too upset—it still happened.

This post is a little different than many of my others. Today, I had the urge to say thank you to all of my friends—those who are still here and those who are gone.

Cheers,