On Being Yourself

XXXVII

2024.03.10

Hot take: you shouldn’t stay true to the person who you are.

In some ways, the person you are probably sucks. You should stay true to the person who you want to be. 

Danger Close

There is something downright dangerous about the notion that you are “good enough the way you are.” 

I think the problem stems from the fact that the idea makes no distinction between staying true to yourself and applying effort to improve yourself. 

I full heartedly agree that you should always be you. But I also agree that you should be applying effort to become the person you actually want to be in the future. 

Freshman year in college, I drank most nights. Was I “good enough” the way I was then? I certainly don’t think so, and I’m glad that I didn’t believe that, or I’d still be drinking every night! What a life that would be. 

So, a more cohesive message that is consistent with both being true to yourself and working to become more: 

Stay true to the person who you want to be.

Would the person who I want to be drink every night? Nope. So, it’s a good thing I stopped.

Girls & Dune

I went on a second date with a girl this week, we went to see Dune pt II. Great movie, I won’t share any material spoilers, but I will say there were some really cool, albeit unrealistic marital arts in the film, including some flying arm bar takedowns and slide tackles into single leg x guard followed by immediate sweeps. To put it in less technical terms, it was sick. 

I knew I was going to get to the theater early, and my date was going to get there late, so, I brought a textbook on knowledge graphs I’ve been studying–riveting stuff, I know. While I was waiting, I read it in the lobby. 

By a lot of standards, bringing a textbook to a movie theater is weird. That being said, that is the sort of behavior that no man or woman will ever take out of me; if that is why there is not a third date, then there probably shouldn’t be a third date, no harm no foul. The person who I want to be usually has a book with him.

On the other hand, if there was not a third date because she said I smelled bad, that would be a problem I would want to apply effort to address. I would really want to make it a habit to take better care of myself, whether it be by showering more frequently, buying better deodorant, or changing clothes. The person who I want to be does not smell bad.

As to the actual reason why there’s not a third date, she said she didn’t feel a spark. Which can mean a lot of things. I will say that I didn’t do a great job of emotionally connecting with her. So, next time, I’ll maybe focus on that some more. The person who I want to be does a good job of connecting with people.

Demo Video

Another example of being yourself vs applying effort to get better can be found in two demo videos I shot for Ultima Mercury in the last month or so. Here is the first one, and here is the second one. To clarify, by the “first one,” I mean the fiftieth one, and by the “second one,” I mean maybe the seventy fifth one. 

This begs the question: why would I do so many takes if I’m good enough as is, and can already record an okay demo?

Unless you’re in sales and want to partner with us to use a truly jaw dropping, game changing all in one client acquisition platform, I don’t need you to actually watch these to get the point I’m making. The second one is MUCH better than the first one.

The second one was shot after the first one was up for a couple of weeks and we had gotten tons of feedback on it. The first one is too rushed; it doesn’t give context around why or when you might be using the tool, or an overview of everything it does. It also doesn’t connect the features to the insane level of value that they provide. The second one, on the other hand, walks through why someone might be using the tool, the set up work they did, gives an overview of everything they’ll see before they see it, and walks through each feature while clearly connecting them to the value they provide. All of that is without mentioning the fact that in the second one, our front end looks wayyyyy better, thanks to Adi and Mo.

The only way for me to improve the messaging delivered was to record the video again and again and again. It’s like an actor rehearsing his or lines before a scene and preparing to deliver them with a greater effect. 

If even a part of who I am is my ability to deliver a powerful and persuasive demo video, then quite frankly, I was not perfect that way I was and am still not perfect. Expect more retakes after more feedback and an even better demo later. The person I want to be takes the time to prepare to deliver powerful, information dense messaging.

Preferences

I don’t love the art at the place I’m staying at right now. 

There’s this ornate piece of wood nailed up to the wall. I can appreciate the craftsmanship that went into it–I’m sure it took days of hard work after a lifetime of cultivating the ability to carve wood like that. However, I don’t look at it and feel elevated or very curious, which tend to be two effects of art that are the most attractive to me.

Now, where inauthenticity might come in would be if I had someone come over, and he or she told me how much they absolutely adored the piece on the wall, and I started agreeing with them. 

“Why yes, Mrs. Smith, it’s a lovely piece of wood, I oftentimes find myself staring at it, admiring the design. The carver was quite clearly trying to encapsulate the floral nature of the surrounding city and make us feel truly blessed to be here today.” 

That’d be bullshit. Fake. Inauthentic. The person who I want to be does not lie about preferences to fit in. I think this is one of the things that the model of “You’re good enough as you are” gets right.

Your ability to agree with someone’s preferences has little to do with becoming greater; maybe the ability to quickly integrate context that someone share’s about their preferences and understand where they are coming from is something to work on, but actually liking everything that everyone else does only after they happen to tell you that they like it is toxic. Practicing that is practicing being dishonest with yourself.

That doesn’t mean you have to see a guest out the door if they love some food you hate, that just means that you shouldn’t lie about it. 

Perpetual Growth

So, who do you want to be when you die? The person you are, or the person who you know you can become?

The notion of being yourself is well intentioned but also dangerous if not augmented and qualified. So, once again:

Stay true to the person who you want to be.

If you make an error and you know that’s not the kind of error you want to make, apply effort to not do it again. If you’re just a little unconventional for one reason or another and that turns some people away, oh well. 

If your presence causes other authentic people pain and you want to be around authentic people, maybe it’s worth investigating why. If your presence causes inauthentic people pain and you don’t care to be around them, then so be it.

Become the person who you want to be. And, if you’re new here but want weekly authentic takes, give my newsletter a subscription:

I’m in Savannah, Georgia for the next couple of weeks; if you have any recommendations for things you’d think I’d enjoy doing or seeing or food I might like, let me know.

If it’s aligned with helping me self actualize to the best version of me, maybe I’ll check it out ;)

Live Deeply,